to those who may read this...

Any of you have your own struggles? Please feel free to share.
I emailed the woman I had an emotional affair with a few times, she used
to email me back. But it's stopped. Unless I hear back from her, I will
never contact her again. It's sad, because we had a wonderful connection;
and I know she feels the same way. Perhaps, this is her way of letting
me heal. I recently took a trip overseas, and did a lot of thinking. I
feel much better just dealing with my own thoughts.
More to come...

My response....

I empathize and agree with your decision. I'm in love with Kristin; but the kicker is...we are going in separate directions spiritually. I too have gone through some depression because Christianity has been such a big part of my life...my endless pursuit of the truth has also led me to believe our Creator cannot be defined in the Bible or any other sacred text. The bias of the writers is becoming more apparent than I've ever thought...now it's just way too hard to believe and pick and choose what I want to believe in the Bible. It's not like I just want to believe anything I want about God, it's the Christians who pick and choose what they want to believe about God in Scripture.
Christians never preach on verses like this:
Duet 21:10-14
“When you go out to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God gives them into your hand and you take them captive, 11 and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife,
12 and you bring her home to your house, she shall shave her head and pare her nails.
13 And she shall take off the clothes in which she was captured and shall remain in your house and lament her father and her mother a full month. After that you may go in to her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife.
14 But if you no longer delight in her, you shall let her go where she wants. But you shall not sell her for money, nor shall you treat her as a slave, since you have humiliated her.

I've learned we really don't know much of anything, but continuing to search for truth is a comfortable place for me; not for Kristin but I enjoy always learning.
BTW, you shouldn't fear death, IMO hell doesn't exist. I can even use the Bible make a strong case against it.

Leaving Christianity...my friend's perspective

my leaving Christianity was actually one of the best decisions i have made in my life. i struggled off and on with being a christian ever since college, went through a bout of very serious depression at the end of college, re-dedicated myself to christianity again, then moved to st. louis for grad school and over a couple of years here struggled with doubt and feelings of inadequacy and being a fake-christian. much of my struggle had had to do with two things: (1) being a scientist makes me a constant seeker of truth and evidence with a desire to test things to determine their validity and i did not find that i could successfully apply those criteria to Christianity, and (2) major issues with conservative christianity's historical and modern stances on sexuality and women in the church. i found that i was completely offended by biblical and church stances on the role of women in church leadership and no matter how much i read or talked to people about it or tried to make it only a minor issue for myself, it seemed like a core issue to me and led to my continued belief that much of christianity was unreasonable and illogical. furthermore, i have pretty much known since i was a teenager that i am bisexual and i spent a lot of unnecessary energy trying to deny that and then repress it, and eventually i could not stand denying something that seemed like such a natural part of who i was. it got to a point where i felt like christianity was a cancer that was eating me alive and i had to cut it out. i went through a period of being angry at christianity, but that quickly subsided and now i am trying to understand who i am as a person without that in my life (i have realized just how much it colored every part of my life and worldview, and i have a great desire to step back from that and try to see things as objectively as i can).

since leaving the church a couple years ago and embracing rationalism and my sexuality, i have never been happier. i feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, confident, open-minded, and accepting. a huge part of that has been my year-long relationship with my girlfriend, rande. i have never been more in love and more comfortable in a romantic relationship. but i certainly don't claim that my life is just peachy now or that i have everything figured out. my leaving christianity and dating a woman has MAJORLY affected my relationship with my family; things were very icy between me and them when i first told them, but have warmed up a bit, though i think it is mostly because we don't talk about religion anymore and they rarely talk about rande. i also still have fears about death and occasionally doubts about leaving christianity, but i am doing my best to sort these things out and determine how much of that is just a part of being human, how much is b/c christianity was drilled into me from such an early age and shaped many parts of my psyche, and also whether it is genuine. i think of myself as seeking truth and reality to the best of my ability, and try to stay open minded about what i may discover in the end.

sorry this was such a long email, i just wanted to give you the most honest representation of why i left christianity and the impact that has had on my life. i hope it is of some use to you and i would be more than happy to discuss further and/or hear your thoughts about your own faith crisis if you feel like talking about it.

love my wife, but can't deal with my own thoughts

She asked me if my love for her was greater than my doubts of Christianity. That's a hard call. Can I live a lie, going through the motions of being a good Christian because of my love for her? I want to expand my knowledge and pursue being a better Christian, but the Christian I think is better doesn't always attend church or always get something out of quiet time. (Scripture reading)
The kingdom of God is greater than a particular denomination. My love is great for my wife, but can I continue to go to church and believe things I know are not true. No. I'm still giving this time.

A talk with my pastor today

Spencer Burke quote:

To reflect on religion is fraught with danger- this I readily admit. To mess with people's beliefs is a precarious venture, riddled with hazards. I acknowledge my own imperfections in these matters. Nevertheless, I think it's worth exploring what the Christian faith could look like if we took some risks, pushed some tired old perspectives aside, and looked at the gospel with twenty first century eyes.

At this point in my life, I am happy to live with uncertainty and in precarious freedom, rather than hunker down in the false security of institutions and recite doctrines that no longer feed my soul. I have faith, and it is this faith that sustains me.

Asked where he would stand if he were excommunicated by the church, Martin Luther is said to have answered "Under the sky."


It's true, I'm am happy to live with uncertainty; and I will drift anyway I want.
I don't think my wife wants to come with me.

she is closer to me now than before...

If she stops wanting me to have the same opinions as her; everything will be fine. She sets herself up for hurt when she asks if I'm sure about the basics of Christianity. Right now I'm not sure of anything. I'm studying a little epistemology right now, and I'm realizing I don't know much of anything. If that's the case, I can believe any heresy I want.

Doe she really love me?

If she doesn't want to go along with all my questions about life and religion. Is there any love remaining. I really like this article below. What do you think? Who am I kidding, nobody reads this blog anyways.

http://thenononsenseman.mensnewsdaily.com/2008/10/18/how-real-is-her-love-marc-h-rudov/